We Swear

This is going to seem odd for you to understand.

I read this letter from Blue Jeans Cable in response to a threat from Monster Cable and I became sexually aroused. No, really. It’s fucking great. See the deal is that Monster is suing Blue Jeans as an intimidation tactic. The problem for Monster is that the CEO of Blue Jeans used to be a lawyer for 19+ years and appears to know his shit. It’s a long letter, so I’ll excerpt for fun:

• I am evaluating your claim that the connectors on certain Tartan brand products infringe Monster’s design patents and trademarks. However, the information supplied with your letter is plainly inadequate to support a claim of infringement and so I am writing to you to ask for further information and clarification regarding your claims.

Apparently, they sent him a type of form letter, which he proceeds to tear apart:

• You have also supplied me with partial documentation on five design patents which you claim these connectors infringe. I will begin by observing, first, that the five design patents are so very much unlike one another that it is very hard to imagine that any product could actually infringe more than one of them at a time; anything close enough to one of them to be deemed an infringement would, by that fact alone, be too dissimilar from the other four.
  

That’s just funny right there. I can see the clerks “What should we say they are infringing upon?” “Just pick five and send them. He’ll never look them up.” The old “throw it at the wall and see what sticks” method.

He mentions that they left off other related info, then slams them with this:

• I need to be able to rely upon the completeness and accuracy of the information you send to me and I find this sort of omission deeply disturbing because it is clear that the effect of this nondisclosure is to obscure the real significance of the patent features.
  

To me, this is a way of saying that he knows they are trying to intimidate him with a bunch of threats, but aren’t being honest.

• I will find out the facts sooner or later in any event, but the impact upon your credibility will not be repaired.
  

This letter will be having some impact on their credibility, that’s for sure….

• It looks like when you sent this letter, you were operating on the premise that I am not smart enough to see through your deceptions or sophisticated enough to intelligently evaluate your claims; shame on you.

Bullseye!

• You are required, as a matter of legal ethics, to display good faith and professional candor in your dealings with adverse parties, and you have fallen miserably short of your ethical responsibilities.

Is Bill Clinton representing you? /snark

I think the closure to this statement is the most polite way of saying “You’re a fucking idiot” I have ever read:

• It cannot possibly be that you believe that more than one of these patents is pertinent, and if you insist that they are, we cannot have an intelligent dialogue on this subject.

heh. I’m gonna have to remember that for when I am arguing with a moron.

Continuing that theme, he hits the main point:

• As for your requests for information, or for action, directed to me: I would remind you that it is you, not I, who are making claims; and it is you, not I, who must substantiate those claims. You have not done so.

In addition to that, he adds this little threat:

• I assume that Monster Cable International, Ltd., in Bermuda, listed on these patents, is an IP holding company and that Monster Cable’s principal US entity pays licensing fees to the Bermuda corporation in order to shift income out of the United States and thereby avoid paying United States federal income tax on those portions of its income; my request for these licensing agreements is specifically intended to include any licensing agreements, including those with closely related or sham entities, within or without the Monster Cable “family,” and without regard to whether those licensing agreements are sham transactions for tax shelter purposes only or whether they are bona fide arm’s-length transactions.

I see that as a threat to Monster because if (when) a FedGov employee reads this, they will begin poking around. That won’t be good for Monster.
Then – then – he throws down the gauntlet. This is the part that really got me going….

• I have seen Monster Cable take untenable IP positions in various different scenarios in the past, and am generally familiar with what seems to be Monster Cable’s modus operandi in these matters. I therefore think that it is important that, before closing, I make you aware of a few points.
• … I spent nineteen years in litigation practice …
• I am “uncompromising” in the most literal sense of the word. If Monster Cable proceeds with litigation against me I will pursue the same merits-driven approach; I do not compromise with bullies and I would rather spend fifty thousand dollars on defense than give you a dollar of unmerited settlement funds.
  

heh. stiffy – *boing*

• If you sue me, the case will go to judgment
• Not only am I unintimidated by litigation; I sometimes rather miss it.

Finally, he taunts them a little bit:

• I will also point out to you that if you do choose to undertake litigation, your “upside” is tremendously limited.
  
• … if you were successful at recovering a large licensing fee … your recovery … would not reach four figures.
• On the downside, I will advance defenses which … will substantially undermine your future efforts to use these patents and marks to threaten others with these types of actions …
• … for a company of Monster’s size, potential antitrust violations with treble damages and attorneys’ fees.
  

Jeeze, that’s juicy stuff.

I should’a been a lawyer…. mebbe I will someday…

(I really wish the indenting on WP actually fucking worked… /grumble)

This entry was posted on Wednesday, April 16th, 2008 at 12:36 am and is filed under Uncategorized. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.